Lynn posed this heart wrenching question to Ask Jeff:
How does one cope with caregiving a senior who is a bully, passive suicidal, has medical problems but nothing that would prevent him from living a full and long life. Doctors, hospitals, assisted living, private services are some of the assistance I've tried for my dad over that last 2.5 years. Nothing I do is right. I've taken away his indepence, his freedom of choice, and speech, and everything familiar according to him. I've no actual support relief except my husband. My brother is the knight in shining armor as long as he doesn't have to make the decisions or do the action. He's full of advice of stuff for me to do though. Yes, I'm burned out, frustrated, depressed, guilty, and avoided doing things with and for my dad with every single day that passes. There is no one else though. He won't help himself and his choices for himself are not always the best. Dad's estate lawyer wants me to talk with him privately to give me options over legal guardianship, etc. Besides the fact this is going on behind my father's back, it's going to cost money my husband and I don't have. Caregiver support groups are probably the answer but I feel that I'm wasting their time. I found your site by trying to search about medical alert systems. I still don't know about those, but I think they would be good for me. My dad would probably rip them out. He's not a fan of being monitored (feels like he's in a prison). I've tried to cut back on my time to just once a week over there (1 hour away), but I find myself trying to stretch it out even longer every time. Much of me hates him for what he's done to me, my family, my mom and himself. Much of me knows I should be more compassionate and loving, but he's not a lovable person anymore. Where is the line drawn between senior neglect and caregiver abuse?
Lynn, your questions and situation took my breath away. What a difficult situation.
Your statement: "Yes, I'm burned out, frustrated, depressed, guilty, and avoided doing things with and for my dad with every single day that passes." In my humble opinion...you need a break, regardless of the situation. I'd start with shouting out the loudest primal scream I could...then, start to engage your brother the "knight in shining armor" to get up off his duff and provide you and your dad some most needed support. Since you have stated that, "...he has medical problems but nothing that would prevent him (your dad) from living a full and long life." Take a break...you desparetly need one. Throw some of that guilt back at your dad and brother. In my opinion, they are both taking advantage of your caring, guilt, and personality. Change the way you behave...and force them to adjust and change their attitudes. YOU CAN'T KEEP GOING THE WAY YOU ARE! Who is going to pick you up once you've collapsed? Caregiver support groups would be a great start...don't worry about wasting their time...YOU NEED SOME HELP. "Where is the line drawn beween senior neglect and caregiver abuse?" Listen to yourself, you are abusing the caregiver. I can't reiterate enough times...give yourself a break. Let your husband, brother, and caregiver support groups give you a break. What would happen if you totally collapsed? Who would take over? Breath deeply...step outside the box you are in...and seek help. I feel and hurt for you...you need more help right now than your dad does. You are not superwoman...she is only a fictional character in a comic strip. Give yourself a break. I hear you, and so can your family. I hope this helps. Jeff | 
